Thursday, November 1

zzzz

so i havent blogged in a while because while my mental stress and breakdowns still occur every fucking morning, they haven't been this bad in a while. and its a 4pm on a Thursday afternoon. this is not good.

lets just say i met a senior in my course and he literally made me feel so incompetent with all my abilities. like, we have this mentor-mentee system going on here and the objective of the meeting was to basically figure out which aspects of my life he can help me in.

and when i said my biggest struggle, currently, is the worry of maintaining my scholarship. he was shook at that like legit surprised that i even brought up issues of grades. he was like "but when i saw 70% average i always thought it was quite easy to maintain." and i was just there like um............hahahhah.

then he kept asking me about my plans and stuff and i was like listen. dude, my plan was and is literally to just do my best on papers in uni rn. maybe participate in some clubs???? idk?????? but legit my biggest concern in life is my uni papers and grades. thats it, and thats my focus. (ok, i didnt actually say this because clearly he was looking for a more solid, long term answer) and i felt so fucking incompetent with the fact that i lacked so much knowledge in this industry. and like he talked to me/asked me questions to the point where i felt i lacked SO MUCH ability till i legit said out loud "what am i doing in this course", which i've only ever said to one other person (you know who you are). i never say that out loud because i dont want my life choices to seem like a regret.

then he continued pushing, asking me my current commitments in terms of university clubs and stuff. and i was like um.......just the media team i guess. then like he asked me what i would do if i took an additional subject next sem and had my y2 short sem free. i was like lol wat i was just planning to go home, maybe apply for an internship. and maybe figure something out with the humans of KL guy.

but yeah, when i said that i legit reminded myself again like - why are you so drawn to writing and stuff STOP i should be focusing on fields and areas related to my career. like he mentioned so many insurance firms and consulting companies that i didnt know about and i had to pretend to know at least some of them just so i didnt seem that stupid so yeah

what i derived from this meeting is that: i. im so fucking dumb wtf am i doing in this course. ii. im incompetent and i lack the drive/ability to transition from studying to working. iii. im really tired.

so yeah

f me

     

Thursday, October 25


so i was in the midst of writing my english paper and idk i just randomly started thinking...........like................wow what's happened to me. i used to be so confident, now i don't even partake in the uni debate club because i lack all the confidence. sigh. i dont like who i am right now and idk who talk to anymore these days.