Sunday, April 22

the night

its nights like these when i remember why i fell in love with writing and how i hard i fell in love with it. while i have found a couple of people in my life to confide myself to, it's still not as convenient nor as raw as my feelings are when i use my written words as a medium. it feels like the empty space wants me to pour out my woes and my joys, instead of burdening other people with my worries and stress and anxiety.

tonight, i feel extremely lonely and that is completely my fault. certain people are circumstance-ially busy and others choose to leave me alone, why am I a fool to sit here and feel alone - you ask? I ask myself that exact same question.

my diet today was good, pretty decent, i even exercised. and then the anxiety of anger and loneliness came rushing in and i resorted to binge eating at 10pm. gosh, i'm weak. and i suck. I have convinced myself for so long that I am not broken, I have tried to paint a very perfect picture of myself online and in my head and in other people's head but frankly, after talking about my life (which I NEVER do) and after realising the power of my emotions, I have come to accept the very fact that I am indeed, damaged. and it fucking sucks. 

and i want to get better, and there are so many people in my life that are unknowingly helping me through this, but there are also so many of the same people in my life who are unknowingly killing me inside.

but i will stay strong and i will continue to put my words to paper as i watch the stars and the moon and the night sky comfort me in my own demise, and till then - i will not give in to my emotions. and till then, i will keep the happy face i have masked for so long, i will uphold my proffessionalism and continue to push myself to excel in life - show myself what i can do. prove myself worthy of me. 

and tonight after eating so much crap and watching the stars and writing this out, i think i can carry on - for now. 

Wednesday, April 11

ive been crying so much lately
it hurts to cry anymore