Tuesday, January 2

2018

I couldn't think of a better title...probably because I'm really tipsy on being so full from good bowls of pan mee (I promise, thats it hehe)

it's been a good start of the year. I slept in and woke up to have breakfast and slept again. Truly living the life. and I keep losing my phone in my own house, I don't know how that happens but it happens.  after the clock struck 12 last night and I got bored from watching game of thrones, I began to fall asleep to my own thoughts which reflected some of the strangest and most interesting events that happened through 2017. and I smiled so hard and blushed so hard and grinned so hard to myself -that's how I peacefully let my eyes fall like draped curtains which whisked me into dark slumber on the first night of the new year.

It was the little things that made today a good day. you randomly messaged me (again) and we talked about books and movies and being nerds. (again) and I enjoyed it. (again) and I FINALLY had a night out with Pigot and got tales from Nottingham uni over literally one cocktail (LOL). and boy were there some stories. we had really really really good pan mee before that though, I was beyond content. I'm going back to KL in a week and probably won't get food as good anytime there. after talks and laughs and calling out idiocracies, the extremely friendly (and downright beautiful) bartender waved goodbye to us from the windows as we walked to the car. the sweetest stranger. +100 customer service points.

and when I reached home at midnight and released my dogs from their doghouse chains, I grabbed a huge cup of twinberry cheesecake ice cream and just indulged in my PJs. the ice ceam was as cold and as sweet as the sea breeze that wafts over penang at night. and I instantly felt good about the year.


     

Wednesday, December 27

Conclusively, 2017

I turned 18 this year. I started this blog at 14. It has watched me grow.

So, 2017 has been one of the best years of my life, without a single doubt. Although it started out rough, with me receiving my SPM results that took me by (an unpleasant) surprise, I have definitely grown from it this past 8 months. and let me tell you, these 8 months have been the BEST 8 months of my life. minusing out the fact that I see less and less of my childhood best friends, of course.

personally, I took big leaps this year. so many big leaps. I felt emotions and feelings I never did throughout years and years of schooling. I made (and lost) a couple of people in my life. I took a risk with my education plans. I challenged myself. and for the first time ever, I started caring more about me.

From the first moment I let go of gov schooling life, I have done so much more in life compared to the 17 years I was stuck and chained in the hellhole we address as "school". only after I left did I realise how much I despised it, and how absolutely fucking crazy the system is. so much was expected of me from external parties. but even worse, so SO SO SO MUCH MORE was expected of me from myself. I beat myself up over every small flaw, every tiny detail, every little failure. but you know what? I have no regrets over all those experiences. through the fall from pathetic failures, I picked myself up as best I can and I personally feel stronger as a person.

so 2017. lets reminisce.

I completed 2 semesters of my foundation programme. yay. Successfully or not? That's another matter for a separate thought bubble. now the process through completing these 2 semesters, that was a whole experience which i'm super grateful for.

I moved out from home and began living independently. It was such a refreshing change. Truly, it hits you, when your parents wave goodbye and drive 4 hours back to your "home" home, that in life you are your own person. It may seem weird to some but the first day I lived alone, a sense of freedom washed over me. like ok, my parents are pretty much the most laid back people I know and they grant me loads of freedom back home but still, the silent permission grants and me not wanting to let them down always kind of "interrupts" (??) the supposed freedom I had. Really, moving out is liberating.

 I now accompany my friends down to the local mamaks to have supper at 1-2 a.m where we have the deepest of talks. I've even had late night strolls (like 3 a.m. strolls with 9 a.m. classes the next day) at putrajaya bridge on days when my friends felt like bawling their eyes out, just to let go- you know? we played the loudest music, from sad Maroon 5 songs to catchy Kpop bands, and drove in the dense darkness. I wasn't so much lost in thought because I find it hard to truly display my feelings in real life. over writing, now that's where I channel these flurry of feelings. when else are we granted the freedom to do such stupid things in life? to just act like young, dumb fools with no sense of responsibility or time whatsoever. and so, I loosened the self inflicted chains of restrain, and began making more and more impulsively dumb decisions, only to find myself smiling like a Cheshire cat on Christmas day at the end of each stupid choice made.

speaking of feelings, goodness. this past year I've experienced so much. lets see; the day I got my spm results, the day I decided to let go of english at a tertiary level, the first day of university, the first night away from home, the day I received my acceptance into local matriculation (let me tell you, it was super empowering turning the bloody thing down), the day I completed my first few assignments, the day I walked out of HWU as an experienced college student, the day I travelled solo, the day I (finally) achieved my expected target of results in sem 1 (purely because I decided to be more realistic with life), the day I met all my closest friends, the day I volunteered and met you, the many many days I stayed late at school, the day you initiated something, the day I began accepting emotions, the day I decided to say yes to a bold move. so many whizzing thoughts. so much feeling. so overwhelming.

phew.

all in all, I've definitely stepped out of my comfort zone. and its inevitable that I have gained a lot this year. I even started running. I'm finally starting to feel a tad bit more fit. after all my muscle from 9 years of dancing turned into jelly, i felt horrible. my stamina is complete crap but the good thing is, I kept consistent. way more consistent than the running club, that's for sure hahah. i've repeatedly been so harsh on myself in terms of physical looks but another thing I've improved on in 2017 is my confidence. I realised that it wasn't even my physical stature (as lumpy, chubby, pimpled-face I am) that was bringing me down. it was the lifestyle I was leading. and so, I'm slowly changing. growing. learning. and hopefully, bettering myself in ways I never thought I could.

I think if there's one thing I'm super proud of this year is that I opened myself up to a whole new world of opportunities by beginning to act like an adult and having mature sentiments. here's to taking that big leap in 2018.