Friday, May 11

sweet, sweet power


of all people, i should, by now, have significant grasp over the fact that words are fucking powerful.
but of all people, i am so easily lured by its power. it doesn't have to be beautifully structured sentences with impressive vocabulary (though yes, it has to have accurate grammar of some sort) but i am so swayed by words, and simple promises - that are proving to be empty promises. i am so easy. stop letting yourself go so easily. stand some ground, you complete idiot.

but it's tough. words are so sweet, sweeter than anything you can imagine. how they trickle off a person's tongue, how they are strung together on the keyboard and sent over text messages. they can spark a fury of emotions - and they certainly are a weapon and a force to be reckoned with (well, in my case anyway)

words can be so dangerous. the weight you employ toward a certain sentence that you find extremely powerful- to the person who said it, it may have just been a temporary thought. something that's always said, "so why don't I say it anyway?" fuck that culture and have some compassion. take note of everything you say. every promise you make. every sentence you decide to voice out.

sometimes your actions are so unprecedented to the words you have uttered before. take some caution, be a little considerate, stop taking me for fucking granted.

and you, person typing this out, you little shit. i know you love to be swayed by the beauty of language. get yourself together and realise your fucking worth.

     

Wednesday, May 2

another actual break

so i'm done with pre-u!

that's honestly an insane sentence to pen down. i've only ever envisioned my life as far as spm and to see how much i have progressed over the past year, i can just say i am living an incredibly blessed life.

i'm considering doing a recap about my foundation life, a blogpost with similar vibes to my older posts because they are very fun to revisit in future

anyway, if you told little me i was going to pursue a technical degree, one incredibly math heavy, i would honestly laugh in your face. i always considered myself to be living off a career i was highly passionate about, you know; something along the lines of language and writing. but realistically, i guess, that's not going to happen anytime soon. i can still keep my love for the art of language, of course, but i guess i won't be making money out of it (guess all dreams don't come true).

this semester break, i have decided to write more and read more. sometimes i just sit back and think about little me with her huge dreams of making it as a big-time author and i smile so hard at the ridiculousness of it, but deep down the urge is still very much real. yeah, sure i can acknowledge it's insanity, but my dreams, as insane as they are, is something i will hold on to - and hopefully achieve as the days go by. there's no rushing dreams, but keeping them alive as you age is necessary - i believe that's the pothole everyone falls into.

i also tried working on my "kiasu-ness" or ok lets face it, overbearing need to be excellent. odd thing is, i pressurize myself into gaining these qualities - and frankly, they are very unhealthy. i have been trying extremely hard not to overwork myself with too many extra-curricular activities and unrealistic grade standards. i think i've definitely improved, i no longer feel the need to rush and grab every single opportunity in sight but academically, it's still a problem. i can never settle for just OK, and that's honestly not the best way to live - especially in these few precious years of my youth.

i still recall creating this blog when i was 14 years old and was prepping myself to sit the exam portion of the ASEAN scholarship and i created this as a medium to share my experiences during the entire thing, (didn't make it pass the interview, as i remember; meh hehe). and look at me now. i'm turning 19, i have somewhat mediocre-ly made it through my pre university programme unscathed, i think i'm doing just fine. great, ,even. and i have some of the best people in my life to help me through it - my 5 friends who have stuck with me from primary school, my parents and a few people i met in my university. they're all fabulous and i appreciate them so much.

the last time i got an existential crisis, i was wondering if i can ever pull through this life on my own. can i even successfully complete that degree i'm aiming for? yeah, i'm an over-achiever but that's not going to help me through life. and there are so many other people who are going all out - seeking for internships, job shadowing, receiving scholarships up and down, securing solid positions in legitimate clubs - and who am i in this competitive world of people?

ah this post is as scrambled as my thoughts are

but as for today, i am happy, i feel blessed and loved and i am positive.

it will all work out, it always does - for better or for worse, it will all work out in the end.