Sunday, March 16

Dear Future Me

Life is like balloons, one prick, and you're dead. Well at least, in my opinion.

Dear future me,

I hope when you read this you are successful and have a steady income with a lovely roof over your head and ravishing clothes to wear. They say to write this letter to yourself when you are in your most vulnerable state during your teenage years and I'm guessing nothing could be worst than this time of my life. Perhaps the upcoming events may shock me but for now, I am as open and as wounded as I can be. This is me talking to you and I will promise myself to open this post only 15 years from now, will I remember to do so? Most probably not. But I assure you, there will come a time when I just sit around my house ( which I certainly hope I have ) and think back to this day where I am currently laying on my bed in my room , facing my large windows. It is a gloomy day, my favourite! Being a teenager once, I think is not enough. Does it provide you enough time to figure out your real friends? Definitely not. Does it give you time to enjoy yourself? No.

This is the time where the stress of our body changing and our life perspective shifting gets to us. This is when I feel like I have some superiority to the world because I am growing up to be an adult. AHAHAH NOT REALLY. This is more like the time people look at us and the first word that pops into their minds is "rebel". No matter how lovely our getup may be , people's mentality is set to hate on us, especially ____. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON "FRIENDS" , I literally wonder who created such an absurd word. THE WORD FRIENDS LITERALLY DOES NOT EXIST. Well even if it does, it only exists for a really short period of time, there's no need to go and put a label on it.

So, lesson number one , dear future me, is don't make any friends. 

Your best friend will be your husband, and I hope you find a good one.

I wonder if when I look back I will laugh at how silly and stupid I sounded as a teenager or will I still agree with myself? I sincerely hope it is the first one. I keep wondering what I should be when I am an adult and people keep asking me what I want to do when I grow up. The thing is, I am currently in the process of growing up. So, this question scares me. I used to think I still had a lot of time till I have to depend on myself to get me to places but in reality, I am leaving school in just 2 short years. I will have to go to college and I will have to pick my courses. I really hope I don't choose a wrong path that will lead me to misery the rest of my life. There are also those stupid questions aka Do you want to work when you grow up? Of course I do. The world is changing and women are no longer seen as weak, pathetic creatures who are meant to stay at home and do the housework, instead we now symbolize power and I plan to keep that alive.

So, lesson number two, dear future me, is to make right decisions. 

Making a wrong one will be fine but I hope the realisation is early.

Love is literally a word of humour in my eyes. My friends tease me by saying they can't imagine and picture me with a 'boyfriend'. I literally laugh, we're 15. We have more than 30 years ahead of us to find love, there's no need to rush things. And this is out to all those annoying little giddy classmates of mine who are so caught up in their own personal 'love lives' not . Most of them talk to people over the internet who they've never met in real life. I mean , seriously? Have you never watched CatFish before? Gosh, be a little more careful, would you? I may not be as attractive as any of my 'friends' nor may I be as fun or as bubbly personality wise, but I still am careful. They need to "conserve" their beauty for the right eyes and not abuse it by being little idiots in "love" ( insert eye rolling emoji gif here ).

So, lesson number three, dear future me, is to be careful when in love. 

Creative criticism to me is fine, I normally do not take bad feedback about myself well but when they are shoved into my face, I make it into a joke. But in reality, the thought is swirling in my mind, making me more and more anxious about my imperfections and I will keep a low profile throughout the day. Confidence is definitely not my strongest asset but I'm doing my best. Insecurities? I have thousands, if not millions. My face adds to the burden of my problems, not to mention my shape. Creative criticism? Something I can easily handle, in fact, quite enjoy. Being just plain rude and mean? Haha, that, I got a problem with.

I wish I could proudly type here and say that I am strong and can face difficult situations without breaking down but instead, I am extremely sensitive. I don't know why, it could be due to my past life or whatever sh#t like that but y'know. What you are is what you are. I can't seem to defend myself in difficult situations but there's one thing for sure, I can write like hell. If I want to bash about someone, I don't do it just like any normal person would, by shouting at them, I write. Writing when my emotions are strong is a big plus for me, I manage to portray my characters as those who I picture as in real life. Especially when I need to write an antagonist character, which in my perspective, is usually the villian. I just picture my enemy's ugly looking ___ and boom! I can write a gorgeous description on my bad guy of the story. So in a way, my enemy is literally helping me loads so , thank you so so so so so so much for being the b#tch you are. Because it improves my writing skills a hell lot.

So, lesson number four, dear future me, is to walk the streets with your head up in confidence. 

People change all the freaking time and its super irritating. But whats worse are the people who go around , asking others, who are happy about themselves, to change. I literally witness these kind of scenarios almost every day. People change, to fit in. People change, to look cool or so they think. People change, to get jobs. And most commonly, people change, to make friends. Yes, my dear self, do not ever do this to get a new "friend" who will most probably last a year or two or not more. And if  it goes long for even longer, you have to keep up with that fa├žade of yours for years and there is no one to tell you better about how much that can hurt, is me. I am keeping up a super difficult act for many years now and it has become a practice. In a way, this has helped me as I am more outgoing thanks to my mask which has somehow absorb into my skin, making its way into my roots and has changed me. I think, for the better. I am still not perfect, obviously . I make a ton of mistakes and I sometime hate the way I look but overall, I think I'm doing fine. And people need not tell what I am doing wrong, because I don't need them.

So, lesson number five, last but certainly not the least, is to never ever ever change just because someone expects you to. 

Signing off in 2014,

Dear all, 

I am so sorry for the hiatus but I literally wasn't feeling that into it, posting on my blog that is. But today I felt a need to post something so I did and needless to say, I feel a hell lot better. I love my blog and have missed it so, I literally did not post a single thing in February and I am super super sorry. I hope you all accept my apology. 

Also I hope the passengers of the Boeing 777 , flight MH370 are well and alive and are to be found soon. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

I also reached 100 followers , which is not a lot, but thank you all so much! 

I will be back soon after my exams which fall on the 18th and 19th of March that is this Tuesday and Wednesday where I will be taking 4 subjects.

See you soon!